Sometimes I wish I was an anger ball

I have a temper, but I never really get angry.  If I throw a fit, it’s to protect myself, argue a position, or bitch about someone I don’t know, but never do I get angry at someone close to me, even when they hurt me.  I question myself, where I went wrong, how I can fix it, again, even if it’s their shit that caused them to emotionally sucker punch me.  I’m a dweller, a ruminator, an obsessor.  I can’t let things go.  And not in a grudge sort of way, just in the “OMGICAN’TBELIEVETHATHAPPENEDHOWCANIFIXITISWEARI’MNOTANASSHOLE” sort of way.

Right now—and for the last four months—I’ve been obsessing about He Who Shall Remain Nameless.  We were together for many years.  I loved him way more than he loved me.  He left me.  But all this isn’t the problem.  It’s been years since we’ve been together.  He’s moved on, has a new wife, has a baby.  But we have always stayed in touch and in fact, he promised he would repay me tens of thousands of dollars over a few years to help with bills and my investment in our company that is now closed.  And he kept that promise.  He gave me money when he could and started a new business that is likely to make a ton of money.  He has always been generous, and actually, money was the one thing we never fought about.  Until four months ago.

I’m unemployed but wanted to figure out how to start my own business, and I could afford to figure things out with money he gave me around the time I was laid off.  He knew this was my plan, he said he’d keep putting money in the account, he helped me edit our old business plan for my new business idea.   Then he decided he could make some money day trading with my little nest egg.  I let him.  I had no reason not to trust him.  He made a killing day trading several years ago, he knows what he’s doing, and he knew I needed the money accessible.

It started when I asked him for some of the money.   He made excuses about time and too much work but that he would get to it.  Then he stopped answering my emails, stopped taking my calls.  I knew something bad was going down, but I didn’t want to believe it.  Fast forward to the end of the month when the statement came in the mail:  Balance $2.97.

So for the first time in 12 years, I am out of touch with the person I wanted to be with forever.  And, he stole nearly ten thousand dollars from me.  And I’m scared and having anxiety attacks, and sleeping to much or too little, and eating too much, and crying too much.  And I even have a little hope (I know, I know!) he’s just trying to get the money together and he will pay me back.  But I’m not angry.  Why can’t I get angry?  I’m hurt, that is all.